An end by end guide to sticking up at skittles
by Ben D-T
Skittles is simple. A hand is a player throwing three balls down an alley in an attempt to knock down nine pins. An end is when all players on a team have played one hand. Teams play ends alternately. Each team plays six ends and there are normally around ten players per team.
When pins are knocked down it’s the job of one poor bastard, the “sticker-upper”, to put them back up after each hand. I routinely do sticking up and I present to you here thoughts that often cross my mind during the twelve ends of a night at skittles.
Right here we go. It’s a bit cold in here, should really put my hoodie back on. As if this team have turned up in their own custom t-shirts. Hahaha they’ve even got nicknames on the back, weirdos. Oh for fuck’s sake how have just dropped a pin like that, amateurish. It’s so cold, this is going to be awful.
So how many people are on each team? 1, 2…6…what, 10 people? Yeah ten- oh wait there’s another. Right so what’s the pay gonna be? Wait how much are they even paying me? A pound a player? A pound fifty? Oh I don’t even know how many are on the other team, ah forget it.
OH FUCK! Argh that hurt, bloody splinter! These pins must be decades old, look at them they’re falling apart. Bits of wood coming off and stabbing me in the hand, someone should do something about this, its dangerous.
What the hell is going on here? Where the hell are the other team? The lane’s been empty for at least two minutes now, these inconsiderate bastards are just wasting my time. I’ve got things I could be doing other than this you know, it’s an outrage. Right, I’ll give them one more minute then I’m going to see where they are, it’s simply not acceptable for- oh here they are.
Wait what end is this?! Oh no I’ve lost count, I always lose count of the ends. Brilliant, now I’ve no idea whether I’m near the start or the end of this. I could ask someone…nah I’m not gonna do that.
End 5…or 6
Okay this is either end five or six…six, I’m sure it’s end six. That means I’m halfway, one hour left. I do need the toilet though, like really need the toilet. Hmm, I shouldn’t have drunk my free pint of coke so quickly. Can I ask them if I can go to the toilet? Don’t be stupid of course you can’t, I’ll just have to sit here and suffer.
You know what? This is shit. This is just boring, I’m watching boring old blokes roll come balls down a corridor at some wooden pins. This is so shit. Oh great now they’re all telling jokes…oh wow a racist joke there by the loudest man in the world. I could tell that joke to someone else later, everyone loves a bit of dark humour…what am I thinking? I can’t tell that joke, I’ll be arrested for hate speech.
Finally! Some legend has turned the jukebox on, that’ll make this more bearable. Oh this is a great song! What was the band called?! Oh what band did this? Ah this is going to kill me if I can’t remember it! No forget it, I’m sure I’ll remember it in a couple days for no apparent reason…I should write about all the thoughts I have while sticking up on my new blog, yeah that’s a great idea…no it’s not, Ben, no one reads your blog.
What are we waiting for here then? Why’s everyone just standing around? Oh great some bloke’s still at the bar when it’s his go, someone else just have a go for god’s sake…oh here he is, finally. Yeah in your own time mate, no rush.
NO! Oh you bastard! there’s always that one bloke who takes it too seriously and gets a spare, I should get payed extra for every spare there is in a match. Admittedly I’m payed very well as it is but spares are just irritating.
Waheeey! You missed all of them you rubbish miserable old git. Can’t even hit a single pin hahahaha…go home mate your night is over. Yeah that’s right pay your fine. Next player, come one then let’s have another one of those, miss them all, miss them…
Finished? Wow that came around quickly. Cheers mate, thank you. Yeah no worries, thanks. Right, how much have I got here? Hahahaha that much money for two hours work?! Amazing stuff, that’s a fraud. I love this job.