Conbini food review: Melonpan

This is the first conbini review that I didn’t purchase myself. It is courtesy of the generosity of one of my adult students at work.

Akira-san, one of two older students I’ve taught on Wednesdays for nearly the past year excitedly informed me during our class last week that a new 7-Eleven had opened nearby our school. This new conbini is a major improvement on the other conbini in the area, a Family Mart about the size of a small cupboard. The new 7-Eleven is large and spacious, full of new products, Akira-san told me.

So I planned to go there on my break and get something for lunch, perhaps even something to review. But before I got the chance to head there myself, my manager handed me a bag at the end of the class that follows Akira-san’s. He had gone to the conbini himself and bought me one of Japan’s most iconic sweet foods: a Melonpan.

What is a Melonpan? Well it’s a sweet bread with a hard and outer crust and a very soft middle. It’s meant to look like a melon, the top specifically is supposed to resemble the pattern of melon’s skin. It usually has a sprinkling of sugar on top.

You may be staring at these pictures and thinking “That doesn’t really look like a melon.”, and that’s understandable; you don’t know the trick to seeing the resemblance. Let me run you through it.

First I want you to hold the device you’re reading this on a bit further away, about a meter should be fine. Now turn it 90 degrees to the left. Next you have to tilt the device back slowly to a 45 degree angle. Now I need you to squint a little, not too much though. The next step is to recite the magic words, repeat after me “Melonpan, Melonpan, reveal yourself to me. Show me how melony you can be!” Now the final step, squint a little more…a bit more…more…that’s good. Now totally close your eyes and imagine a melon.

Perfect! Now you can see how Melonpan resembles a melon. Okay, on with the review.

Hey, you can open your eyes. Hello! Hey we’re done! OPEN YOUR EYES!

HEY. FINISH THE REVIEW. OPEN YOUR EYES!

Oh for f-…Ah, you’re back.

This Melonpan was pretty classic, it was hard and crispy on the top, it was very soft and springy on the inside, and it was sweet. It’s not a complex food and by no means a meal, but it is an excellent snack. The only problem with this Melonpan, and in fact with all Melonpan(s)…

Was that it didn’t taste like melon! There’s no melon flavour at all. I am sure every foreigner living in Japan, every single one of them who has come to Japan and tried a Melonpan, after perhaps years of anticipation, has been woefully disappointed by the total lack of any semblance of melon flavour.

If we can cast the total misrepresentation and misleading naming of Melonpan to the back of our minds for a moment, we can remember that what’s really important is the sweet taste of friendship. And when eating Akira-san’s generosity and thoughtful gift between classes, I remembered that though Melonpan may be sweet, it will never be as sweet as the kindness of a friend.

SIKE! Melonpan is Japan’s biggest lie. It’s good but just call it sugarpan or something. Rating: 0% melon.