Ben Dean-Titterrell

Politics and beer

Tag: Conservatives

Parliamentary Roasts of the Week: W/C 16/07/18

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Chamber of the House of Commons” by UK Parliament / CC BY 3.0 / Fire are 100 emojis placed upon original image

In an attempt to prove that the least appreciated of the UK’s age-old parliamentary conventions is MPs and Peers roasting each other, I’ve started a new project for this blog. Every week I’ll aim to bring you the best quips, one-liners, and straight fire roasts dished out in the Palace of Westminster.

W/C 16/07/18

We’re kicking off this week with a look at PMQs, one of the most reliable sources of Parliamentary roasts. This week, however, was a significant dissapointment. There wasn’t a single good joke in the exchanges between the Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition. The only passably decent jab from anyone in the whole session was from the SNP’s Ian Blackford.

https://videoplayback.parliamentlive.tv/Player/Index/7641cd17-e739-4e5a-ad65-96ba5b74ec62?in=2018-07-18T12%3A21%3A45%2B01%3A00&out=2018-07-18T12%3A21%3A58%2B01%3A00&audioOnly=False&autoStart=False&statsEnabled=True

“[…]a Prime Minister who is in office but not in power[…]”

This isn’t even good to be honest. In a regular week we wouldn’t even feature it, but this session was so devoid of good banter that this is the highlight.

ROAST RATING: ONE OUT OF FIVE

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It’s now Thursday and the new Brexit Secratary Dominic Raab is anwering questions from MPs. All fairly run of the mill until Conservative MP Chris Green unleashes what I’m sure he thought was a truly savage roast.

https://videoplayback.parliamentlive.tv/Player/Index/5c43cc6a-b79c-46ba-b6e6-8a7451366f5e?in=2018-07-19T10%3A25%3A54%2B01%3A00&out=2018-07-19T10%3A26%3A25%2B01%3A00&audioOnly=False&autoStart=False&statsEnabled=True

“Does my right hon. Friend agree that to have a second referendum would undermine the democratic process and that anyone calling in this place for a second referendum should perhaps step down, have a by-election and ask for a second opinion on themselves?”

‘Got em! You like second referendums, huh? Well how do you like second elections? Huh?! How do you like them apples?’ – Chris Green’s internal monologue, probably

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Bonus House of Lords Roast

The Commons was so devoid of roasts this week that we’re forced to turn to the House of Lords to see if there’s anyone spitting fire in the Palace of Westminster. I was only able to have a quick look through, but I found one quip worthy of inclusion from Labour’s Lord Touhig on Monday on the NATO summit.

https://videoplayback.parliamentlive.tv/Player/Index/b63acf5f-9d8c-4ecf-a33b-74aec988921c?in=2018-07-16T17%3A05%3A52%2B01%3A00&out=2018-07-16T17%3A06%3A04%2B01%3A00&audioOnly=False&autoStart=False&statsEnabled=True

“However, to date transatlantic unity is undermined by the President of the United States. We never know what Mr Trump will say next—and, frankly, I suspect that nor does Mr Trump.”

It’s not imaginative; yeah we get it Trump’s stupid. But the delivery was good and, frankly, I’m clutching at straws this week. Lord Touhig’s our first Peer roaster, and until we have another he holds the honourary title of Lord of Roasts.

ROAST RATING: TWO OUT OF FIVE

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Roaster of the week

The last thing to do is crown our Roaster of the Week. He seemed so damn pleased with his effort that it would unfair to give it to anyone but Chris Green.

My time may not be particularly valuable, but it certainly is limited. If you’ve spotted a roast in Parliament that you think is worthy of being included in Roast of the Week, let me know by contacting me.

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James Heappey weekly: No.14

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Week 20 June – 26 June

In a week when the UK voted to leave the European Union in a referendum, David Cameron announced he would resign in October following the Brexit result, and Parliament was recalled to hear tributes to late Jo Cox MP after she was killed in her constituency of Batley and Spen the previous week, what did James Heappey do?

Well, to be honest, there’s nothing to report this week.

Parliament was due to be on recess this week but was recalled so it could hear tributes for the Labour MP Jo Cox. There were no other debates or divisions and the Energy and Climate Change Select Committee did not hold oral evidence sessions.

The only suitable thing to is make this week’s edition of James Heappey weekly a special EU referendum edition. So, here’s that.

James Heappey voted to “Remain” in the EU referendum on 23 June. He finally announced how he would vote in an article for the website ConservativeHome on 13 June.

James Heappey said he was no great fan of the EU but leaving wasn’t the answer and was openly critical of the tone of the campaign, “We’ve been given plenty to worry about from economic Armageddon to all of Turkey leaving home and coming here. The bulls**t detector has been in overdrive.”

He was surprisingly frank on the personal implications of opting to back the Remain campaign, “Career wise, being openly critical of both sides has probably not been the smartest move. Choosing in the end to go the opposite way to the bulk of the Wells Conservative Association and, I suspect, a majority of my constituents is certainly not the easy option.”

The MP for Wells’s position on the EU could be best be described as choosing the devil you know rather than the devil you don’t, “If we vote to leave, everything around us will react to our decision and we just don’t know what the cost of that reaction will be. Then we’ll start negotiating for our future and with just ten days to go, nobody seems to have any idea what it is we’ll be asking for. To avoid that whopping great leap into the unknown, I’ll be holding my nose and voting to remain.”

Following the Brexit result on Friday morning, Mr Heappey tweeted:

After David Cameron announced he would resign as Prime Minister in October, the MP tweeted his disappointment:

It is currently unknown who James Heappey will back in the upcoming Tory leadership contest.